Firing Rachel Levine Transcript: Shifty - If I was president, I'd fire Rachel Levine the Assistant Secretary for Health. Numbers - Because he denies science which says only men have Y Chromosomes? Shifty - Because he still plays dress-up. 60 year-olds playing dress-up shouldn't lead anything public health! Brough To You By the Ever Brilliant Richard Pan and Scott Wiener Transcript: Numbers - Did you hear? Two Senators from California are introducing a bill that'll force K-12 school kids to get the COVID jab. They also wanna block religious exemptions. Shifty - Which Senators? Numbers - Richard Pan and Scott Wiener Shifty - Two Dicks are behind this? Numbers - That seems mildly inappropriate. Shifty - Would you prefer I explain how these dicks are gonna screw California? Shifty's New Business Plan Transcript: Lefty - I just read you can make big money selling dope! Shifty - Yeah, they're called dispensaries. In fact, I'm opening my first dispensary next week. Lefty - Where do you get the dope? Shifty - Easy... just plant a politician. Politician - Hey, get me out of here! Shifty - This'll be easier if you stop talking. Keeping Our Commander-In-Chief Sharp Transcript: Numbers - What are you doing there Mr. President? Joe Biden - Finishing a puzzle. Lefty - I get it! You wanna keep your brain sharp for when you're hardball negotiating with Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping. Joe Biden - Bingo! Numbers - This box says 8-8 years. Joe Biden - It only took me 3 weeks! Lefty - He inspires me in so many ways! No More Mandates Transcript: Rose - The midterm elections are coming up, Mr. President, and as your advisor, I suggest no more mandating. Joe Biden - Fine. Barack... honey, things aren't working out! We can't see each other anymore. Barack Obama - Get off me! Rose - Not man-dating... mandating, as in, for vaccines! I wish I could unsee that, sir. Joe Biden - Can I still sniff his hair? How Did We Get Here? Transcript: TV - Nike introduces a new athletic shoe... Apple set to ship its latest iPhone... The NBA releases next season's season... Numbers - What are you watching, Shifty? Shifty - News from Beijing. He's Offering Moral Support Transcript: Lefty - Hey, Numbers. I just met the nicest man outside. He's offering moral support to people during these tough times. You should meet him! Numbers - Okay. Grimmy - I'm here for you! Numbers - Whaaaat? Lefty - He's shy around strangers sometimes. Should Protestors Be Disarmed? Transcript: Numbers - Shifty, did you hear? People marched into the Capitol Building and the police went in to disarm them! Shifty - I don't approve! Numbers - What don't you approve? Shifty - Disarming people for no good reason... amputate their arms only if they start looting! Numbers - I'm ignoring you! Shifty - The right to bear arms shouldn't apply to looters. How Many Need To Take The Vaccine Transcript: Shifty - Hey Numbers, what are you watching? Numbers - A Dr. Fauci interview! He says if 75% of us get the vaccine, we could return to some degree of normality by the Fall of 2021. Shifty - Is that what we're pulling out of our @## today? Number - I'm getting the vaccine! Shifty - And so the zombie apocalypse begins... Social Distance For Your Life Transcript: Max - Whaaaat? Penelope - Stop!! Numbers - OMG, OMG!! ...Run! Shifty - ...He's gonna sneeze! Lefty - Aaaahh... Shifty - We live in weird times! Numbers - Yup! Maybe Food Should Be Cooked Transcript: Shifty - They say that cooking your food is the best way to prevent foodborne illness. Numbers - So, to avoid the next global crisis, should wet markets sell only cooked bats? Shifty - A bat is not food! Numbers - That's a little racist! Lefty - OMG... bat are little racists?! Shifty - I wonder how Ozzie did it and not cause a pandemic? Should We Treat Them Humanely? Transcript: Numbers - Hey Lefty, why are you massaging that egg? Lefty - I heard that beef tastes better when cows are massaged. The same might be true with eggs... Plus, it makes me feel better knowing my eggs are treated humanely before I cook them! Egg - Let me go you fat-faced punks!! Numbers - But we're mice! Lefty - Maybe I shouldn't feel bad! Finding X Transcript: Lefty - Dear Math Teacher, Do me a favor and stop asking me to find your X... they're long gone! I know you often wonder about Y. Well, here's my angle... You're complicated... and you constantly obsess over what's 'right.' The word 'obtuse' comes to mind too! Sincerely, Lefty Shifty Gets A Prescription Transcript: Numbers - Did you know Shifty went to a doctor last week for his addiction to social media! Carter - It sounds serious! Is he going to be okay? Numbers - Debatable... they gave him a prescription and told him to take 2 tablets daily. Carter - How's that bad? Store Guy - HEY... COME BACK WITH THOSE! Can Programming It Help? Transcript: Lefty - Hey Max, is that one of those speakers that can talk? Max - Yeah! It uses A.I. to analyze speech. I'm programming it to sound less 'Artificial' and more like a real person. Do you want to try it? Lefty - My name is lefty. I come in peace! Speaker - I'm a digital assistant, not a space alien you moron! Lefty - Maybe he sounds too much like a real person. Logging In Transcript: Shifty - What are you doing, Lefty? Lefty - Logging into my account! Shifty - Ohhhhh... It's incorrect! They made online banking so easy! You Said You'd Call Transcript: Pluto - You said you'd call. Earth - I changed my mind! Pluto - Is it because we can only be plutonic? Earth - It's because you're a dwarf! That's messed up! Lefty - Says here the politically correct term is 'little'! Max Can't Eat Those Potato Chips Transcript: Max - I can't eat this bag of potato chips because mom says GMO foods are bad! I'm missing out on a world of delectable culinary experiences! Carter - But many people can't have GMO foods... like in France! Max - Mom won't let the French have GMO foods either? |
