Should We Treat Them Humanely? Transcript: Numbers - Hey Lefty, why are you massaging that egg? Lefty - I heard that beef tastes better when cows are massaged. The same might be true with eggs... Plus, it makes me feel better knowing my eggs are treated humanely before I cook them! Egg - Let me go you fat-faced punks!! Numbers - But we're mice! Lefty - Maybe I shouldn't feel bad! Finding X Transcript: Lefty - Dear Math Teacher, Do me a favor and stop asking me to find your X... they're long gone! I know you often wonder about Y. Well, here's my angle... You're complicated... and you constantly obsess over what's 'right.' The word 'obtuse' comes to mind too! Sincerely, Lefty Shifty Gets A Prescription Transcript: Numbers - Did you know Shifty went to a doctor last week for his addiction to social media! Carter - It sounds serious! Is he going to be okay? Numbers - Debatable... they gave him a prescription and told him to take 2 tablets daily. Carter - How's that bad? Store Guy - HEY... COME BACK WITH THOSE! Run For Your Life Transcript: Max - Whaaaat? Penelope - Stop!! Numbers - OMG, OMG!! ...Run! Shifty - ...He's gonna sneeze! Lefty - Aaaahh... Shifty - We live in weird times! Numbers - Yup! Heal Yourself First Transcript: Numbers - The only antidote for all the insanity out there... Can Programming It Help? Transcript: Lefty - Hey Max, is that one of those speakers that can talk? Max - Yeah! It uses A.I. to analyze speech. I'm programming it to sound less 'Artificial' and more like a real person. Do you want to try it? Lefty - My name is lefty. I come in peace! Speaker - I'm a digital assistant, not a space alien you moron! Lefty - Maybe he sounds too much like a real person. Logging In Transcript: Shifty - What are you doing, Lefty? Lefty - Logging into my account! Shifty - Ohhhhh... It's incorrect! They made online banking so easy! You Said You'd Call Transcript: Pluto - You said you'd call. Earth - I changed my mind! Pluto - Is it because we can only be plutonic? Earth - It's because you're a dwarf! That's messed up! Lefty - Says here the politically correct term is 'little'! Max Can't Eat Those Potato Chips Transcript: Max - I can't eat this bag of potato chips because mom says GMO foods are bad! I'm missing out on a world of delectable culinary experiences! Carter - But many people can't have GMO foods... like in France! Max - Mom won't let the French have GMO foods either? How's 'The Who' Involved In The COVID-19 Pandemic? Transcript: Max - Who's on your podcast today, guys? Lefty - Leader of 'The Who' Max - The 70's rock band? Shifty - No, the World Health Organization... you know, the group that botched the early response to the Coronavirus pandemic! Lefty - Today, our guest is doctor... Shifty - Reaction time isn't his strong suit! Lefty - Paper Mache is my new favorite craft! Max's Mice Know The Way Transcript: Landon - Max, is this how you're using your lab mice to fight Coronavirus? Is it possible? Transcript: TV - We interrupt this news broadcast... Max - ... to bring us an unbiased, truthful, and uplifting story? TV - Don't be ridiculous! Should We Eat GMO Foods? Transcript: Max - Mom's stance on GMO foods means I can't eat this bag of potato chips! Because of mom, I'm missing out on a world of delectable culinary experiences! Carter - Many people can't have GMO foods... like in France! Max - Mom won't let the French have GMO foods either? Will The Stay-At-Home Order Get Lifted By Easter? Transcript: Max - Did you hear? The stay-at-home order might get lifted before Easter! Lefty - But what if the COVID-19 pandemic gets worse? Mice are communal creatures. I can't survive more social distancing... I need a hug! Max - I hope not to be the first case of mouse-to-human transmission! They're Called Brain Organoids And Here's Who Needs Them Transcript: Landon - Hey, Finn, I heard your lab is using stem cells to grow actual brain tissue! Finn - Yeah, they're pea-sized, but the cells work like real neurons. Landon - Is there a need for pea-sized clumps of brain tissue? Finn - Shifty's already trying to sell them! Shifty - ...Just look at your approval ratings! Making It Look Easy Transcript: XI TACTICS FOR GETTING THROUGH A PANDEMIC by Shifty 1. Rule your home with an iron fist! 2. Refuse help. 3. Bully anyone who posts their experiences online. If they don't stop, TAKE THEM OUT! 4. Deny (or lie about) #3. 5. Blame the US Govt. Lefty - You wrote 'XI Tactics' but you only listed five. Shifty - No, it's Xi, as in Xi Jinping, head of the Chinese Communist Party! Professor - We should rethink our ties with them! Lefty - Not just ties... this athletic cup made in China pinches my skin! Is It Compromising Your Health? Transcript: Google: news today Fin - Ahhhhhh! Professor - OMG! OMG! OMG! Professor - Sometimes it's best to unplug for a while. What Do You Think? Transcript: Finn - Here's an article I just published... About how my scientific has the most impact on our modern world. Shifty - Math? ...you call math a scientific field? Math is not science! Some of it's irrational! Is Six Enough? Transcript: Lefty - What do you have there, Shifty? Shifty - 2 yardsticks. They say the best way to avoid getting the coronavirus is social distancing. Professor - Is six feet enough to keep you safe? Shifty - Not sure... I haven't tried it yet! (WHACK) Back off! Six feet's perfect! A New Threat? Transcript: SHIFTY: THE DICTATOR CEO - I moved all our antibiotics production to your country while no one was looking! Thanks to my politician buddies who turned a blind eye... Now I'm rich! You wouldn't use this as leverage in your pursuit of world domination, right? Shifty - Kneel before Shifty! New Viral Threat Transcript: Max - A new virus from Wuhan... where China's only level-4 deadly virus research lab is located... wait... darn you Murphy! ...and your stupid Law! He Loves To Sing In The Elevator Transcript: Professor - I heard your new friend, Dr. Gee, is a surgeon and a talented singer. Lefty - Yeah, when he's not in the O.R. he likes to ride the hospital elevator singing 70's songs in falsetto. He says it's his only opportunity to sing to a captive audience! Dr. Gee - Another one bites the dust... Shifty - Why'd you push all the buttons, you jerk? Professor - That's wrong on so many levels! It's Amazing What They Can Do Transcript: Shifty - Tummy tucks, liposuction, face lifts... Isn't it amazing what plastic surgeons can do nowadays? Lefty - Imaging what real ones can do! Shifty - What do you mean 'real ones'? Lefty - Real surgeons... instead of plastic ones. Shifty - You need a brain transplant! Lefty - I can get one of those too? |
